Time is the enemy, time is the friend.

Over the weekend, I took some time to reflect on how much my life has changed in such a short time. Only 5 months ago, I was planning the final details of J’s 5th birthday party. I was still recovering from Christmas, and my life seemed normal. I was nervous, but it was normal.

This time last year, I got a call from my best friend, Peas. The ex had sent her a text and needed to talk to her. We speculated about what he wanted to talk to her about, finally deciding that he was trying to make plans to do something really great, just the 2 of us. Things had been crazy lately, and he knew that I was feeling like we were disconnected, and I was really needing us to be back in touch with one another. She sent me a text a while later telling me to call her when I was on my way home. I did. I could hear it in her voice. She had something to tell me, and she didn’t want to. She stumbled a few times, and I finally told her to just let it out. She did. He wanted out. He wasn’t happy, he wanted to focus on work and he didn’t want to feel guilty for not being at home. He wanted to leave, he just didn’t want to be the one to tell me. I was driving down 630, and I felt like I just wanted to throw up. I felt more sick than I ever have in my life. I remember the feeling of my jaw as it locked and I tried not to cry. I remember the feeling of sheer panic, fear, confusion and overwhelming sadness. The thing is, I never saw it coming. The ex and I talked that night, and we made a list of things to work on. He said he wanted to try.

I kicked it into high gear. For the next 6 months, I cooked every night, our house stayed clean, I didn’t turn him down for anything, no matter what he asked for. SIX months. Things calmed down, we didn’t talk about it, and I began to feel like things had blown over. Then, one day in January, I was at work. I looked at the ex’s facebook page. I wish I could remember the words…well maybe I don’t…but either way, there were a few status updates that I hadn’t noticed. They exuded unhappiness. I called him and he said he was just in a bad place…that he didn’t know what to think, and we would talk later. The rest is kind of a blur. I walked on pins and needles for a week. Then, he left. He did it. He packed his things. He sat on our bed and explained to our daughter what he was doing. I held her as she cried, and I cried right along with her.

The 2 or 3 weeks that followed that night are becoming a distant memory. I can remember crying myself to sleep every night, wondering why he didn’t want me. I remember feeling forgotten, left behind. Gradually, of course, I crawled out of that hole.

When I look at myself today, it feels like it’s been a lot longer since that night. Maybe it feels like longer because I expected it for so long…but either way, my life is so different now. I’m alone, but I’m happy with who I am. I’m not spending every ounce of my energy to please someone who doesn’t appreciate it. I’m living for my daughter, and for myself. I’m living in a way I can be proud of. I’m standing on my own 2 feet, and I don’t see what was so scary about it…

I’ll get back to talking about the ever-changing basket, maybe tomorrow….but for now, I’m just reviewing, and reflecting. Things do change…I’ve been on my own for 5 months. In 5 more months, I’ll be 32. I’ll be approaching my first holiday season as a single mom. I hope I’m not still alone…