Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Independence Day (Yes, in January)

Today is my Independence Day. Jeremy left on January 26, 2009. I remember because it was Jayna’s due date- a date that was permanently etched in my mind because, 5 years before, I had repeated it hundreds of times. “When are you due?” someone would ask. “January 26,” I would say with a smile. He left on her due date. 13 days after her 5th birthday, and 13 days before what would have been our 6th wedding anniversary.

One year ago today, I remember coming to work. Shaking, wide eyed, and terrified about how in the hell I was going to do this by myself. I remember looking at the numbers through my tears, trying to figure out how I was going to survive and raise a child alone on my state employee salary. I remember trying to decide if I was going to continue my education, or if I was going to take a break because I was unsure of whether or not I could handle the stress of life as a single mom, full-time employee, and full-time student. My fears of how to handle my life alone were cut short because I couldn’t afford to be afraid. There was an ice storm coming, and I didn’t have any back-up heat. My firewood was in a pile in the yard, getting rained on. There was nobody to depend on but myself. There was no time for self-pity. There was only time to grow my backbone, stand up, and be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be. Strong. Confident. Independent. And now, here I am, standing on my own. I survived the first year, and it wasn’t at all what I thought it would be. It was better!

I found out a lot about myself. I grew as a person, and I became a woman I can be proud of. I also found someone who DOES want to come home to me every night. He’s made all the difference in the world, whether or not he knows it. He gives me a reason to smile every day, and he reminds me every day that I don’t have to be afraid. He’s here, and he’s not going anywhere.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I'm a monumental failure, but have a big glass of shutthehellup because here are the details

So yeah, I promised to update my blog and I’ve been a monumental failure at it, because I have THE. BIGGEST. NEWS. EVER. I have had for 6 days, and I haven’t even written about it yet! Yes, I know some of you have been bitching for details. Gimme a break. I'm trying. So, in a last-ditch effort to share my little slice of HELL YES MY LIFE ROCKS, here goes.

So New Years Eve…me and Mr. P headed out to a little get-together at a friend’s house. It was a full moon (a BLUE moon, mind you) and we were both excited to have some kid-free time to enjoy each other. We had some questionable burgers (love ya dude, but really. Burgers first, Jager second) and had a great time laughing at said friend for his fraidy-cat antics. (don’t ask. It’s too stupid to even bother explaining.)

After all the silliness of the night, we gathered in the living room. We watched the ball drop, my wonderful man kissed me, and then immediately became noticeably nervous. He kicked 2009 to the curb, and then announced “well, now that that’s over, I want to start 2010 off the right way.” He dropped to one knee, pulled out a beautiful diamond solitaire, and asked me to marry him. Yes, fo’ serious. Of course I said yes, or else it would be totally retarded for me to proclaim this as BIGGEST. NEWS. EVER. I mean, who would do that. (Shaun says I still would because I’m a female, and female=mean, but I disagree.) Anyway, yes. The Southern Single Mama isn’t really so much single anymore. The woman who vowed to not make vows is shopping for wedding bands, beach wedding packages, and other “forever paraphernalia.” Hmm. Go figure… Told ya, strange things happen under full moons!