Independence Day (Yes, in January)

Today is my Independence Day. Jeremy left on January 26, 2009. I remember because it was Jayna’s due date- a date that was permanently etched in my mind because, 5 years before, I had repeated it hundreds of times. “When are you due?” someone would ask. “January 26,” I would say with a smile. He left on her due date. 13 days after her 5th birthday, and 13 days before what would have been our 6th wedding anniversary.

One year ago today, I remember coming to work. Shaking, wide eyed, and terrified about how in the hell I was going to do this by myself. I remember looking at the numbers through my tears, trying to figure out how I was going to survive and raise a child alone on my state employee salary. I remember trying to decide if I was going to continue my education, or if I was going to take a break because I was unsure of whether or not I could handle the stress of life as a single mom, full-time employee, and full-time student. My fears of how to handle my life alone were cut short because I couldn’t afford to be afraid. There was an ice storm coming, and I didn’t have any back-up heat. My firewood was in a pile in the yard, getting rained on. There was nobody to depend on but myself. There was no time for self-pity. There was only time to grow my backbone, stand up, and be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be. Strong. Confident. Independent. And now, here I am, standing on my own. I survived the first year, and it wasn’t at all what I thought it would be. It was better!

I found out a lot about myself. I grew as a person, and I became a woman I can be proud of. I also found someone who DOES want to come home to me every night. He’s made all the difference in the world, whether or not he knows it. He gives me a reason to smile every day, and he reminds me every day that I don’t have to be afraid. He’s here, and he’s not going anywhere.