Tuesday, December 29, 2009

[Title Pending]

I survived my first Christmas as a single mom. Although, really, I’m not sure how much of a single mom I am anymore. I guess a more appropriate description is “unmarried mother” because I’m not alone anymore. Truth be told, I haven’t been for a while. He’s there. He’s been there almost every day and every night for almost 3 months. Even before he was physically there, he was still there. I could call him any time of the day or night, and if he could, he would stop whatever he was doing just to listen to me when I needed to talk. But now, he’s really “for real” there. I used to go to bed alone and lay there for hours until I fell asleep. Now, I snuggle up next to him, with a huge dog lying at the foot of my bed, and I fall asleep feeling loved and cherished. I don’t know the last time I felt that….or actually, if I have ever felt that at all.

I still have my moments, though. Sometimes, something is said, or a word catches my attention, and I feel myself snapping back to reality. I feel kind of like an animal in the woods when they hear a sound that startles them. Their head pops up, they look all around them, and every step they take is taken with purpose. They keep going, but they do so with extreme caution, and they continue in that manner until they feel safe again. That’s what happens to me. My focus sharpens, I make no moves or sounds without purpose, and I hear that voice in my head that says “be careful, because this could be monumentally painful.” I have another voice, though. That voice says “It’s ok. He loves you, and like he’s told you, love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.” And I trust him- and love him- completely. Eventually my fear subsides and I slip back into that comfortable feeling, and I have the courage to look into his eyes and see how he loves me...and then all is right in my world once again.

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