Tray tables in their upright and locked position, reality will be landing shortly.

There are times when the reality of being a single parent comes crashing down with a devastating weight. Yesterday was one of those times. The [old] boyfriend got his first experience in “showing up” for J when we went to watch her program for VBS. After she was done with her part, the parents went up to the stage to collect the little ones, then back to sit down for the rest of the program. I got J, we sat down, and about that time she catches a glimpse of her dad. For the next 10 minutes, I had to argue and wrestle with her because she wanted to go back and see her dad, although she should have been sitting still watching the rest of the program.

Rewinding just a bit, J was with her dad this weekend. I got a call at about 10:30 a.m. Sunday that she was ready to come home. I was at The [old] boyfriend’s, so it was no big deal to walk up the street and get her. I arrive, and she is wearing jeans (when it was 90 degrees outside) and tennis shoes with no socks. I get her back to Josh’s and ask her what she’s had for breakfast. The answer is nothing. It was 11:00 a.m. and she hadn’t eaten anything all day. Later that day it was time to get her cleaned up for the program and I asked her if she had a bath this weekend. Nope. No bath, and hadn’t brushed her teeth all weekend. Basic necessities that are not being met, yet he did take her to the racetrack where he exposed her to yet another random girl, and this one even painted my child’s fingernails and toenails green. Awesome. So she’s filthy and hungry, but she got a mani/pedi out of the deal.

So back to the evening. J’s dad does as little as possible for her, yet she gets one look at him and begs to be with him. I take care of her 99% of the time and make sure her basic needs are being met, and she remains focused on missing her dad. Needless to say, The [old] boyfriend got a bit frustrated at the situation. We talked about it later and he says that he knows what’s coming- the day when J realizes that her dad is a total shit, and it’s going to break her heart and I’ll be left there to pick up the pieces. I listened to what he said, and my heart broke a little more with every word. Not because he was saying it, but because it’s all stuff that I’ve already thought about, and hearing someone outside of the situation say it made it real. I felt that all-too-familiar knot come back in my chest, and his words began to fade as my voice became louder in my head, with one word. ALONE. I’ll pick up the pieces of her heart, and I’ll do it alone. I rarely cry anymore, but as I drove home that evening, a few tears managed to escape. I felt overwhelmed yet again. I never asked for this, but it’s my reality. I didn’t choose it, and I don’t know why any man in his right mind would want to be a part of this.