Something rare, something special

I remember riding in the car with my mother several years ago. It was just the two of us and we were traveling on the winding road heading down to the Buffalo River, where I spent most my summers during my childhood. The windows were down, the wind was blowing our hair all around, and Nanci Griffith was blaring on the stereo. The meaning of the song wasn’t particularly important, but the chorus was “once in a very blue moon.” I remember asking my mother what that meant, and she told me that it was a rare, special occasion. I learned later that it was really nothing more than a second full moon in a month. Either way, I grew up hearing my mother echo the phrase “once in a blue moon.”

Tomorrow is the last day of 2009. This year began with me being broken down to the very center of my soul. I rebuilt my life. I survived the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I’m a better person for having gone through it. Now, I will spend the last night of this year- and the first night of the next year- with a man who made me believe something that I had turned my back on. When I met him, I didn’t want to be in love. Not then, not ever again. I was determined to stay standing on my own 2 feet. But then, he walked into my life. He made me believe that I could be in love again. He made me believe that I could rely on someone to be there, and to stay. He’s proven it, too. I’ve shoved him away twice now. Each time was because I had the potential to be hurt badly. I figured that if I pushed him away, he couldn’t just walk away from me and leave me behind brokenhearted. But something strange happened. Both times, he came back. He came back and he didn’t leave. And now, I’ll be ringing in the New Year with him tomorrow night. And this year, something rare and special will happen. The New Year will be born under a blue moon. So, cheers! Here’s to faith, love, and hope.

[Title Pending]

I survived my first Christmas as a single mom. Although, really, I’m not sure how much of a single mom I am anymore. I guess a more appropriate description is “unmarried mother” because I’m not alone anymore. Truth be told, I haven’t been for a while. He’s there. He’s been there almost every day and every night for almost 3 months. Even before he was physically there, he was still there. I could call him any time of the day or night, and if he could, he would stop whatever he was doing just to listen to me when I needed to talk. But now, he’s really “for real” there. I used to go to bed alone and lay there for hours until I fell asleep. Now, I snuggle up next to him, with a huge dog lying at the foot of my bed, and I fall asleep feeling loved and cherished. I don’t know the last time I felt that….or actually, if I have ever felt that at all.

I still have my moments, though. Sometimes, something is said, or a word catches my attention, and I feel myself snapping back to reality. I feel kind of like an animal in the woods when they hear a sound that startles them. Their head pops up, they look all around them, and every step they take is taken with purpose. They keep going, but they do so with extreme caution, and they continue in that manner until they feel safe again. That’s what happens to me. My focus sharpens, I make no moves or sounds without purpose, and I hear that voice in my head that says “be careful, because this could be monumentally painful.” I have another voice, though. That voice says “It’s ok. He loves you, and like he’s told you, love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.” And I trust him- and love him- completely. Eventually my fear subsides and I slip back into that comfortable feeling, and I have the courage to look into his eyes and see how he loves me...and then all is right in my world once again.

Ball suckage alert

I suck balls. Not because I mean to. (I mean, this is all figurative, of course. If you are literally sucking balls, generally you DO mean to. But, in this case, I don’t mean to.) Yeah, so I haven’t written anything meaningful in, like, months. Whatthefuckever. Get over it. I don’t mean to suck balls. I have excuses, I’m just too lazy to bust them all out at the moment, so, deal. Mmmmkay? Grrreat. Thanks. Anyway, anyone who read and knows my life knows what’s up. Boyfriend, in love, shitty non-child-support-paying ex-husband, school sucks, that’s about as much of a recap as I can manage at the moment. I’ll do better, I promise. In the meantime, pet a kitten or something to make yourself feel better. Loves ya. Fo’ reals. (And yes, a lot of old posts were deleted. Some stuff I just wanted to leave alone for a while. So, fresh start and all that junk. Peace, foo's.)